Ronnie Magro and Sammi Giancola make up after the Boardwalk fight — Sammi, angry that Ronnie pushed her in his attempt to stop her from provoking their heckler further, tells him she would never let a guy touch her like that twice. Then, in perhaps the best quote of the evening, she tells him as he ices his forehead, “I am sorry that your face looks like this.”
Later than night, Ronnie and Sammi confront Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi about her complaint earlier in the night that they are isolating themselves from the rest of the house. Snooki claimed all the housemates were upset, but later backtracks and says it’s just her and Jenni “JWoww” Farley. Snooki apologizes. Most boring “controversy” ever.
At the club, Snooki hits it off with Keith — “I meet this guy at the bar. First off I see muscles, so I’m, like, okay, like, this guy is my type, but he’s, like, Irish and he talks like a cowboy.” Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino hooks up with a girl named Paula; they end up in the hot tub with champagne. I see tongues. (I can’t believe I am missing the “Project Runway” premiere for this.)
Vinny Guadagnino is vibing with Tonya on the hammock; she’s getting turned on by the situation in the hot tub. Which is to say, The Situation in the hot tub. Clearly The Situation’s tongue affects some women differently. Snooki shows up with the Irish cowboy; that’s The Situation and Paula’s cue to exit the roof deck. Unfortunately, Paula does so on her rear end. Ouch.
Snooki and Keith end up in her bedroom but they don’t have sex. Snooki would have, though, because “he’s clean.” That’s actually not a bad standard to have. Better than “muscles.” Or “can breathe through his nose.”
Paula and The Situation end up in his bed while Pauly Delvecchio slumbers in the next bed. Lauren, Paula’s friend, shows up the next morning banging on the front door. Apparently Paula’s family has been worried sick about her, so Lauren frog-marches upstairs to get her clothes — which she can’t find — then out the door. Turns out the walk of shame is even more shameful when your best friend makes you do it. The Situation makes himself scarce.
They head out to a club. We finally see what prompted Vinny’s truly disturbing eyebrow waggle featured in the credits. It’s Mike’s sister Melissa, whom he thinks might have a crush on him.
At the club, Sammi can’t find Ronnie, so The Situation helpfully points out that Ronnie is talking to two humans who happen to lack Y chromosomes. Sammi is not happy about this. Yeah, surprise. “Were you just talking to somebody?” she yells at Ronnie. Ronnie blames The Situation. Ronnie and Sammi make up. Yeah, surprise.
Pauly finds a nice Jewish girl who tries to turn him on to kosher food, but he just wants to get her in bed. She refuses to have sex before she gets married.
The Situation isn’t too pleased to see Vinny and Melissa getting close, and we imagine he’s going to be very unhappy to see the footage of Melissa slipping into Vinny’s bed later that night.
The gang decide to head down to Atlantic City one night. The Situation and Snooki get into a fight over dinner, and when he makes a below-the-belt crack about her weight, she leaves the table. He looks abashed, but tries to justify himself. Snooki, who used to have an eating disorder, tells JWoww, “I have never had so much anger for anybody ever in my whole &^^$ life.” Back in the hotel room, The Situation finally issues a pretty smarmy apology — we interrupt this recap to say, holy crap, how are JWoww’s boobs staying inside that tiny shirt? Is 3M sponsoring this episode? — and Snooki eventually forgives him.
A woman starts giving Vinny what for all intents and purposes is a lap dance at the club, and when he excuses himself for a moment, The Situation moves in on her, and then she starts giving The Situation a lap dance. Ronnie and Sammi leave around 4 a.m.; he says they’ve been there since midnight, and five hours is enough. No, that is not a typo.
JWoww throws up in the bathroom, and then demands that The Situation take her back to the room. Hmmm, lap dance or vomitous roommate? Tough Call. When The Situation decides to stay where he is, JWoww smacks him in the back of the head. The bouncers escort her from the club. When The Situation returns the hotel room, JWoww smacks him on the back of his head again, then punches him in his mouth, and says her goodnights.